Texts From Last Night

(Editor’s Note: the following is written by official Fun Police member, Bob Sacamano)

“We have three phones!”

I am an internet feign.  Give me an uninterrupted 45 minutes, a high speed internet connection, and my laptop and I can entertain myself no problem.  (Get your mind out of the gutters.)  I have a set rotation of websites I like to hit up.  I read this site to see what MattDotRich has written.  I hit up the Barstool Sports, Cracked, TerezOwens, What Would Tyler Durden Do, etc. One that I constantly try and get to is www.textsfromlastnight.com.

If you don’t know, this is a site where users submit funny or amusing texts messages that they have received.  It is generally pretty funny and I get a chuckle out of it.  The one problem is that some are so ridiculous that you have to think that they are fake.  Even knowing this I still read it and generally have a laugh out loud moment.  My thoughts are normally questioning what was the background story that caused this text message to be sent.  So here it is, I break down these probably fake text messages.

(603):  Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

This one touched a special spot in my heart.  As you know I love professional wrestling.  One of my favorites of all time was Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose finishing move was the Stone Cold Stunner.  While it is probably the best finishing move of all time, it is literally the finishing move that would do the least damage to your opponent in a real fight.  If someone was drunk and tried to give someone a stunner in a fight, the person would be on the ground and getting kicked in the back of the head immediately.   Of note, there was a kid MattDotRich and I went to middle school with that was a bigger wrestling fan then we were.  He was also a little bit off as a human being.  In about a two month period he gave the Stone Cold Stunner to our gym teacher and another science teacher.  He also gave another student “Sweet Chin Music” during a gym class.  I kind of hope it was him that this text message is written about.

(623): I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they’re tall or have a beard.

 Shit.  What about guys with both?

(719):  Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn’t a total loss.

I live in the Bay Area.  This is definitely real.  Not a doubt in my mind that this is a real message.  I don’t want to disparage all Raiders fans but it does seem a majority of them have toothless girlfriends.

(727): the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

Lets skip over the awful grammar and spelling of this text message and get to the point.  This is something my friends would do to one another.  I am in a fantasy football league that is going on its 5th year with the same 12 guys the entire time.  To call it competitive would be an understatement.  Our email chain is at times vitriolic.  Hell, we used to have a blog were we would photoshop each other’s faces into gay porn.  If it was the playoffs, and one of the guys in my league called me with his one phone call from jail, I would totally wait to 10:06am (remember, I’m on the West Coast) until I bailed him out.  Remember what Vince Lombardi said, “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

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