PLANET FUN
Bob Sacamano
Texts From Last Night
(Editor’s Note: the following is written by official Fun Police member, Bob Sacamano)
“We have three phones!”
I am an internet feign. Give me an uninterrupted 45 minutes, a high speed internet connection, and my laptop and I can entertain myself no problem. (Get your mind out of the gutters.) I have a set rotation of websites I like to hit up. I read this site to see what MattDotRich has written. I hit up the Barstool Sports, Cracked, TerezOwens, What Would Tyler Durden Do, etc. One that I constantly try and get to is www.textsfromlastnight.com.
If you don’t know, this is a site where users submit funny or amusing texts messages that they have received. It is generally pretty funny and I get a chuckle out of it. The one problem is that some are so ridiculous that you have to think that they are fake. Even knowing this I still read it and generally have a laugh out loud moment. My thoughts are normally questioning what was the background story that caused this text message to be sent. So here it is, I break down these probably fake text messages.
(603): Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This one touched a special spot in my heart. As you know I love professional wrestling. One of my favorites of all time was Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose finishing move was the Stone Cold Stunner. While it is probably the best finishing move of all time, it is literally the finishing move that would do the least damage to your opponent in a real fight. If someone was drunk and tried to give someone a stunner in a fight, the person would be on the ground and getting kicked in the back of the head immediately. Of note, there was a kid MattDotRich and I went to middle school with that was a bigger wrestling fan then we were. He was also a little bit off as a human being. In about a two month period he gave the Stone Cold Stunner to our gym teacher and another science teacher. He also gave another student “Sweet Chin Music” during a gym class. I kind of hope it was him that this text message is written about.
As Nasty As They Want To Be
(Editor’s Note: The following is written by official Fun Police Member Bob Sacamano)
A recent year long investigation Yahoo Sports has brought to light that a booster for the University of Miami has been providing illegal and improper benefits to members of its football team from 2002 to 2010. This booster named Nevin Shapiro* said that he provided impermissible benefits to 72 of the university’s athletes between 2002 and 2010. Of these 72 players include major NFL stars such as Vince Wilfork, Sean Taylor, Willis McGahee, Devin Hester, Frank Gore, Jonathan Vilma, and Kellen Winslow Jr. At a cost that Shapiro estimates in the millions of dollars, he said his benefits to athletes included but were not limited to cash, prostitutes, entertainment in his multimillion-dollar homes and yacht, paid trips to high-end restaurants and nightclubs, jewelry, bounties for on-field play (including bounties for injuring opposing players), travel and, on one occasion, an abortion.
Other then abortion, does any of this surprise anyone? I mean, haven’t we heard this story 100s of times in the last 10 years. I feel like every time I turn on ESPN there is some new story about the NCAA investigating some program for some player getting illegal benefits.*** Aren’t we over this story? The top flight programs of the NCAA in football and basketball are dirty. Done. Can we move on now? Hell, even Duke Basketball with Coach K was just reported to be under a possible NCAA investigation.
At this point how is this news anymore? It is like reporting that the Sun rose in the East and set in the West today. You know what we should be reporting? When a kid makes it through his four years of college football and does not receive one improper benefit.***
Back to the story at hand. Miami has been under investigation before due to the improper benefits reaped upon its players from Uncle Luke of 2 Live Crew as far back as the 1980s. We have accepted that Miami had and has a dirty program. The 2001 Miami team is considered by some to be the greatest team in the history of college football. Look at this lineup.**** How did one team have 8 First Round Picks in the NFL Draft on it? This Nevin Shapiro only opened his mouth because he is in jail and no one has stood by him of the former players he used to support. When asked why Shapiro spoke up now, the Dan Wetzel, Yahoo reporter said “Straight up revenge,” Wetzel said. After Shapiro’s arrest, trial and conviction for the Ponzi scheme, almost all of the players and coaches he says he lavished with gifts, “stopped being his friend,” said Wetzel. “To him, they should have stuck by him, not run from him.”
I personally just don’t care anymore when it comes to these stories. These programs make millions of millions of dollars each year from tickets, merchandise, TV deals, etc. The players get a scholarship and nothing more. Should we pay the players? I believe so but can’t think of a system that would work. But as long as the NCAA doesn’t allow the student athletes to get paid there will continue to be these stories. So for the sake of me and having to keep hearing these, just pay the kids. They earned it. Hell make it retroactive for the former players that did not get anything back then. I know one guy that would find that great.
* Shapiro is currently serving a 20 year sentence in federal prison for being the ring leader in a $930 million Ponzi scheme. Seems the money he was giving out to the players was illegal on two counts.
** Terrelle Pryor, Reggie Bush, Cam Newton to name a few from the last year or so.
*** I’m available for ESPN to interview at this point. Seriously, not one improper benefit in four years of Division 1 football. I would have totally taken it too.
**** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2001_Miami_Hurricanes_football_team
Why The Miz is Awesome
Editors Note: The following is written by official Fun Police Member, Bob Sacamano
As you can probably guess from my previous writings I am a big fan of reality TV. I am also a big fan of the underdog story. This article combines the two. Ten years ago the Real World decided to go back to New York for its tenth season. One of the cast members was a man from Parma, Ohio called Mike Mizanian. A simple college student that had lived a sheltered life.
Here is the bio that MTV released for Mike Mizanian for that season – “Mike grew up as an only child with divorced parents in a predominantly white middle-class neighborhood in the suburbs of Cleveland. He found a sense of family within his college fraternity. He is slightly sheltered due to growing up in a conservative part of the country and has never actively interacted with gays and African Americans. While growing up, he says that his father was a racist. MTV describes him as a “fireball of energy” and a “chick magnet [who] is still naive about relationships, and has a deep need to be loved.””
During the course of the show of Mike had constant fights with castmate Coral about race and homosexuals. He eventually came around by the end of the show and was loved by everyone. The real memorable moments of Mike on the show was his love of pro wrestling and his made up character, “The Miz”. He would run around with a fake championship belt and cut killer promos similar to the ones the Rock was doing. He was the lovable goof that loved pro wrestling.*
Mike went on to appearing in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges where he soon became a regular. He appeared in six of them, winning two.
Once again, he was just the lovable goof that loved pro wrestling. He and the rest of the cast started referring to him as The Miz. And wouldn’t you know it, the Miz got a chance to try out for the WWE as a cast member of the Fourth Season of “Tough Enough.” Where he was the ultimate underdog on the show.
He was the smallest, had the worst body, didn’t look like a WWE Superstar, and for all intensive purposes a goofball that was only there because he was already somewhat famous. Surprisingly, the Miz made it to the finals only to lose to Daniel Puder, who was only around the WWE for a few months before being released.
The Miz ended up getting a developmental contract where he worked for Ohio Valley Wrestling. He started to fill out his body to look like a pro wrestler. Probably because he still had some name recognition the WWE hired him to be the host of Smackdown!** Still not a wrestler but his foot was in the door.
He eventually started to wrestle and was not getting over with the crowd in any way shape or form. The Miz then got his big break being a tag team partner with John Morrison. The two went on to win the Tag Team Titles but everyone agreed that John Morrison was the real star and the Miz was just riding his coattails.*** They had great success but like all tag teams in Pro Wrestling there was the great falling out. The two broke up and went their separate ways. Everyone assumed that the Miz was done as a single wrestler and that he would fade to oblivion.
But you know what, the kid didn’t fade away, he thrived. He started a gimmick that he was AWESOME and took off. He won MITB and cashed in his chance and beat Randy Orton to become WWE Champion, which he held for 134 days.
Now I know what you are thinking that this is all scripted so really, what does it matter. There is an art to being a wrestler. You have to go to school, be trained, have a certain look, and have the “It” factor. When the Miz started he had none of these qualities. All he had was a desire to be a pro wrestler and a never give up attitude. He worked hard to make his body look like a wrestler and to become a better in ring performer.
Next week the Pro Wrestling Illustrated Top 500 list will be announced. This is their list of the top 500 Wrestlers of each year. Past winners have included wrestling legends such as Hulk Hogan, Sting, Bret Hart, Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, Shawn Michaels just to name a few. Well next week there will be a new name added to the list and it will be The Miz. Yes that is right, the naïve sheltered kid from Parma, Ohio has just been named the Best Wrestler of the year.
If it can happen for the Miz, it can happen for anyone. Maybe a 6’5” 275lbs guy that has the gimmick of being an evil attorney can make it. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud here.
Giants closer Brian Wilson agrees
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* Sounds like half of my friends from high school and college including the Editor of this site. (editor’s note: hater’s gonna hate)
** This is the Friday Night WWE Show whose name comes from the Rock’s catchphrase “Laying the Smackdown on your jabroni ass.”
*** Some people call this the Rockers scenario. The Rockers were a young highflying tag team from the late 1980s and Early 1990s that consisted of Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty. Michaels went onto become arguably the greatest Pro Wrestler of all time and Jannetty is probably working at your local 7-11.
Where Art Thou, Dan Cortese?
Editor’s note: This submission was written by guest blogger, and a man who cried whenShawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the barbershop window, Bob Sacamano
Let’s go into a bit of a fantasy world here for a few minutes; You are playing in a televised basketball game. You’re team is down 10 points with 40 seconds on the clock. Isiah Rider passes the ball to Bill Bellamy who throws it to you at the wing 25 feet from the basket. You let it fly right in Dean Cain’s stupid-face. Nothing but net and your team is now up 15 points.
At this point you are probably thinking that you are either on LSD or having a fever dream the likes that you have never heard of before. Oh no, this is no dream or really bad trip. This used to be a reality…
If you haven’t caught on yet, there used to be a yearly event on MTV called Rock and Jock Basketball. What you need to know is all there in the title. They used to have professional athletes and celebrities from the world of movies, TV, and music compete in basketball with some crazy inventive rules like the moving basket or my personal favorite, the 25 point shot. This later got spun off to softball where Frank Thomas once hit a ball that still hasn’t landed. (I’m not kidding. For all we know this homerun might be still going*. Not that he was on the juice or anything. I mean a man built like a NFL left tackle playing baseball in the 1990’s…).
But the basketball was always my favorite, so much so that my group of friends used to play this game. We used to take chalk and make special circles on the court that were worth a certain amount of points. We would play for hours at this game each trying to see if we could hit the full court 75 point shot. (Other games we made up and played Around the House Football, Knee Football, Powerball, and Soccer Ball Whiffle Ball to name a few. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there was not a girl in site for most of our pubescent years).
In a world were the most watched shows are reality TV this concept of Rock and Jock sports can’t be done? You are trying to tell me that Coolio (who currently is selling a cook book with his soul food recipes) is not available to play? Huey Lewis? **What great project is the kid that played Urkel doing that he couldn’t play? And come on, every kid from ‘Teen Mom’ or ‘16 & Pregnant’ or ‘Younger Than Your Average Mom’ or whatever the hell the name of the show is called would be there. They can’t be that expensive to make and they could very easily fill up the rosters with washed up athletes and F list celebrities.
So come on MTV do the right thing and bring it back. I think you can clear some space in your lineup of ‘RJ Berger’, ‘True Life: I Hate My Body’, and ‘Teenwolf’. (Notice how none of those were actually music related. Funny considering this is Music Television.) I’ll watch. I’m pretty sure that you would watch. I’ll even make the first call; can someone get me Dan Cortese’s number?
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* Editor’s note: It Probably landed eventually
** That is an incredible sketch by Conan that you really, really should watch
